Kindness

Today I remember to approach those closest to me with loving kindness.

My husband, daughter and I re-painted the inside of our house together recently. It's the first time we've actually rolled on the paint ourselves, and worked as team to get such a large, physical job done. Okay, I'll be honest, my husband did most of the technical work, the corners by the ceiling, moving the heavy furniture, directing my daughter and I with the rollers. Our house was looking shabby before the repainting, and it was necessary for all three of us to work together to get the job done.

At times during the process one or all three of us lost our temper. Again, if I'm honest, I'm the one who lost it more often; the smell of the paint, having to decide as a team the colors we wanted, (we ended up mixing two of them together to satisfy both my daughter and I,) and the general challenge of working together got to me more than once. I found myself approaching my husband in an antagonistic, defensive manner. That is when I saw just how accusatory and unkind I can be with people I care about the most.

It's funny, but in lots of ways it's easier to be kind to strangers: checkers at the grocery store, the mail carrier, the man I buy fish from at the Farmer's Market. Then you can smile, be charming, put your best face forward because your ego's not invested. Kindness comes pretty easily in dealing with neighbors and colleagues also; after all I don't live with them.

But in dealing with those most beloved to me, the ego kicks in quick, feels threatened, and during the house painting I could literally feel my body tightening up at points. I even blurted out a couple times: "Forget it! Our house is old and shabby and what we should really do is move!" We have to put our daughter through college in a few years; we can't afford to move.

We cling and then attack loved ones so easily because we're terrified of being abandoned. Our mind gets muddled and we attack to avoid facing our biggest fear - that the time we've invested with those near and dear to us was wasted, that in the end we don't deserve love and we better attack, get out of there, before they figure it out and attack us. I guess I felt pretty incompetent as a house painter.

Control issues are fear issues. We think we don't deserve the direct, all encompassing love beating right at us from our Beloved Ones. We secretly feel lacking, undeserving of love from friends, family, even ourselves.

The person to send loving kindness to first is our self. I've been repeating "I am worthy," over and over again as a mantra, and then extending that kindness to Self right back at my husband, daughter and those closest to me. It's like a balm for the tension.

The painting's done now, and our house is bright and fresh instead of shabby. It's still pretty small, but it works for the three of us. It was nice to clean out the cobwebs and repaint. Staying and working together in it is an act of bravery and kindness. But recognizing the tightening and the fear response was a necessary prelude to cleaning out my internal home, and sharing it with kindness.

"I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy" over and over again. And then the kindness just takes over at home, where it matters the most.