Kindness - Going Beyond Halloween Masks

We can be our own harshest critics, reflecting that self criticism back onto ourselves through the eyes of others and our environment. We judge continuously and then wonder why we get sick or feel tired.

It feels like we're engaging in this huge, pointless defensive; the multi-layered masks we wear only help to accentuate our self condemnation. We look at the world like a monster from Beowulf, vicious, unforgiving, ready to rip everyone apart who might stand in our way. We walk around fully armed and then wonder why we are afraid.

I have a dear friend who recently installed an alarm system in his house. It bothered me that this man who is usually so open and undefended had decided to arm himself like that; he hadn't been robbed, he already has a dog that barks loudly when anyone enters his yard. I asked him about it, and his response was, "the alarm is there in case anyone breaks in."

Part of the issue here, with our masks and our alarms, is the sinking fear that we'll be left alone and abandoned. We wear the masks, set the alarm system, judge our brothers and sisters for the whole purpose of waiting for the confirmation of our own paranoid fantasies. And then someone comes along, it could be the husband we were resenting, it could be our sullen teenager, it could be the lovely woman in yoga class who for no apparent reason brings homemade chocolate chunk cookies to share with everyone, it could be a neighbor, or someone we've never met before who helps us jump start our car. When the loving actions of others become so over the top, so attentive we can't deny them anymore, our masks unravel, our alarm systems disable. Then we see reality for what it is.

It's time to stop thinking we don't deserve the direct, all encompassing, true love of our friends, family and ourselves. It's time to stop discounting the love. It takes bravery to see our relationships in a loving light, more bravery than it does to lash out against those around us with our fake, Halloween weapons.

Today my mantra is loving kindness. Today I remind myself that I am not alone or abandoned. I release those illusions with every breath.

Fulfillment - Yoga to the Edge of Joy in Ojai

I woke with a start at two in the morning last night; my body was tingling and I was struck instantaneously, thunderbolt style, with the sweetest sensation of joy. I'd been dreaming of all the faces, the yogis floating around all over the place here at Ojai: Erich Schiffmann, who'd just given this risky, but expansive talk on making a mental reality shift; Ravi Ravindra, an icon for expansiveness himself, who signed his new book at Bhavantu the day after Pat Olchefski-Winston and I were there signing copies of Bear Speaks; and all the local yogis -Kira, Eric, Alana, Amy, Catherine - who modeled thoughtfulness with perfect grace. At one point they arrived early at the venue where we practiced and left sprigs of sage next to our yoga mats. Then there was the physical presence of the family of yogis I'm used to interacting with on-line, all swishing around the town on beams of light, smiling, hugging, revving up the the vibe of all of it.

The odd thing for me is, that up until that point, when I was struck by all of it in the middle of the night, I actually considered packing my car and heading home. I don't know why, but somehow the sheer ecstasy of what's happening here was intimidating to my ego; on some level I'd convinced myself, subconsciously that I couldn't possibly deserve such joy. On a conscious level I told myself I needed to get back to my family in LA. How indulgent to take four full days and practice like this! But every time I phoned or e-mailed home I got that everyone was okay back there; my husband was off watching sports and tasting wine with his brother, my daughter was singing in a show and spending the night with her best friend, even the folks at the school where I teach reported that everything was fine in the classroom with the plans I'd left for the substitute. I had no obvious excuse to leave.

So I stayed, and woke to that blast of joy energy in the middle of the night. Only then did I realize my ego, based as it is in fear, can really get in the way, that it can make me want what's inappropriate, even harmful to me, because that lightening bolt - to steal a phrase from my teacher - feels pretty intimidating to the ego right before it strikes. So the ego lays trap after trap to deflect the joy it fears. The joy is so strong when it hits we're afraid of short circuiting from it.

Fortunately once we start flirting with joy the way we are at Ojai, we don't short circuit. Instead our passion expands to encompass all of what's happening, and if we can stay balanced there, it's fun.

So I caught myself vibrating with the sheer joy of it all at two a.m. Just out of curiosity I flipped on the television - I wondered what would be on at that hour. Here's what I saw: beautiful women advertising a zumba dance class, an evangelist speaking eloquently about the law of abundance; and then this eclectic KCET black and white cartoon where a poor soul with a number, concentration camp style, tattooed on his forehead heads up this ladder following a sign pointing to "Heaven." When he gets near the top, he sprouts wings and takes off, the numbers on his head fading as he flies. I switched channels one more time to view this series of home videos showing cute toddlers exploring their world, grabbing vegetables, and splashing about in a wading pool.

The joy is expansive indeed. I have a feeling it won't be too hard to remember that today - the last day of the yoga crib, the day we all finally drive home.

Surrender and Truth - Coming to Ojai

I like doing things, arriving at events,(even my teaching job, although that is hardly an event,) at the last minute. I'm not exactly late for stuff, more on the edge of late if that makes sense; if I were to examine my tendency on a psychological level I would have to say my potential tardiness gives me a sense of freedom and control. I like the idea of being the one to decide when I will arrive at prearranged activities. It's my way of bucking predetermination.

My original plan was to arrive at Ojai at the last possible moment - breeze in on Friday morning, sign books at Bhavantu that afternoon, and hear Erich talk that night. I certainly wasn't going to arrive for any early day of a yoga immersion class. I definitely wasn't going to follow Kira's advice - Kira is the brilliant woman who hosts the crib each year - and arrive a day early to register and get situated. Such would be against my established habit; my unconscious desire to take myself to that edge of feeling rushed and harried.

Then it started raining in Los Angeles. I don't like driving in the rain, especially not long distances. For me the trip from the South Bay to Ojai is a long distance. And a still, soft voice within kept telling me to take an extra day off teaching, to organize myself, to get into Ojai a day early, to allow myself the pleasure of the immersion class before things go into full swing on Friday.

There was a two hour window when the rain stopped this morning. I resisted the word "surrender" whispering through my being, told myself I'd heard that word plenty of times before and I didn't need to surrender any further. Why must we keep surrendering to the truth of what's happening anyways? Shouldn't once or once in a while be enough?

That's when it occurred to me how much of what I've been doing, at school and at home, has involved me telling everyone else what I want them to do, orchestrating my environment and my own movements in it like a puppet master, constantly pulling and pushing things regardless of how they really are.

What was required was a shift in my own frame of mind, a surrender to the reality that I am not the one in control of when and how things happen. It sounds silly but I had to admit to myself I can't control if and when it rains, or the traffic patterns out of Los Angeles during rush hour. If I wanted a smooth ride to Ojai, I would have to leave early.

It's helpful to shift our mental paradigms about what we are doing and how we are doing it in order to hook into the truth. That shift involves surrender - a relinquishing of the ego self into the way things are, a recognition of the reality that we are not the ones running the show here. After all, the truth is all there ever was and ever will be anyway. We can hear that voice of truth deep within ourselves, the voice that is beyond our silly mental gyrations and thinking, when we surrender.

I'm here at Ojai early; well rested, having skated up here easily in between rain storms. I'm exited to take the immersion class with Erich tomorrow.

I'm working on surrender.

Book Signing At Bhavantu

I'll be signing books at Bhavantu, 306 East Matilija Street in Ojai, California on Friday, October 22 from 1 - 2 pm.


Pat Olchesfski-Winston, the artist who created the image of the bear for the cover will be there with me.

Hope to see some of you there.

Receptivity

Today I remind myself to remain receptive - to allow the strength of what is true to move through me.

So much of the time I've caught myself jerking around through space like a control freak; if someone in my family is sick or upset my automatic response is to reign it in, squelch it with my force of will. Making appointments is a huge challenge and distraction for me; over and over again I try to master time and space with my personal version of what should be happening and how it should look. The net result of all that silly micro-managing is invariably frustration, not just my own, but extended out to every poor soul who gets stuck dealing with me when I am in "contoller" mode. (Trust me, Brit Bergesen who cuts my hair, and Dr. Ruth Demonteverde, my daughter's pediatrician, can attest to the fact that I am apt to change appointments four and five times over to get things "just right." Nothing is ever made just right through force of will.

The way to appropriately glide through space is by being receptive. Receptive can be scary because it involves remaining open and vulnerable. When we aren't receptive it is a sign that we are frightened somehow, easily drawn away from Truth by distractions. We all have our pet distractions; for me it's making appointments and micro managing my imagined future. Recognizing those distractions for what they are - seductive pulls away from what's real - helps clear the necessary mental space to get back into alignment.

Once we are clear and receptive we are open to the power of the real creative force; then it is simple and obvious what to do in each given now moment without distracting our self with fake scenarios of the future. Being receptive connects us to the part of self that is immutable - that can heal the world in the blink of an eye.

Today I remember the power of receptivity.

Pictures from Book Launch Party at Pages in Manhattan Beach

Here are some photographs from the Book Launch Party at Pages in Manhattan Beach, California.

Gay Hendricks with Five Wishes and Laura Carpini with Bear Speaks

Gay Hendricks with Five Wishes and Laura Carpini with Bear Speaks

Thank You - Remembering to Remember

Thank you to everyone for making the book launch party last night so much fun.

Today I will remember to remember your presence being you being with me. The wings of gratitude are truly beating in my heart in the form of all of you around me today and always.


BIG, BIG LOVE,

Thanks Again!

Making Space for Acceptance - Getting Clear

The familiar confusion hit last week. I'm not sure how or why I get so fogged over -being tired, hungry, swept away by the noise that prevails here in my darling Los Angeles probably has something to do with it.

Anyhow, I recognized the old churning happening in myself; when I get fogged over like that, I go completely over board. I churn about simple things like where to park my car, what to "do" about dinner, then I shift into heavier issues: where do I want to live, who should I live with, where should I be working? I can convince myself in about ten minutes to run away - that everything I'm doing is wrong. Mind you, I went into this spin on the very day Bear Speaks came out to the public. I chastised myself for being even more of a schmuck on that account - shouldn't the woman who wrote Bear Speaks be clear about these issues?

When you're in a fog you can't make decisions. You become frustrated, inert. Then something hits, something arrives always, mysteriously, consistent, to rattle you back into what's real. For me I can almost pin point the exact time: I was exhausted with worry for daughter - again in emergency - this time for tests, but it still took half the night. (Thankfully she is fine now.) I was coughing so much myself I think the nurses there considered checking me in. I felt blocked about what I was writing; I called for a substitute for my teaching job the next day. As we drove home from the hospital well past midnight I repeatedly asked for clarity. I'd been demanding clarity all along, but when I did I was in a panic. Clarity never arrives when you panic.

Sometime on the drive home I moved from a state of panic into acceptance - a point where I admitted I'm not in charge anyway, and that all my churning about everything was just denying myself space. I felt instantly oriented, smooth and clear.

The fog lifted - that's the only way I can describe what happened. I was suddenly energized. I'd watched a movie earlier in week: "The Fog of War." I like the title of that film - fog does result in war. For me it was an internal war, but war just the same.

Now that I feel clear, all those earlier worries are revealed as just plain silly. I even forget what I was confused about in the first place. I don't know why we get overwhelmed at times with our environment. I suspect it has something to do with wanting personal control over all of it. It's a matter of turning back to acceptance, reminding ourselves in those confused moments that clarity is always there. We just have to breathe, remain innocent, and let it happen.

It's imposssible to "break up" with what's real.

Today I remember to make space for that.

October 1, 2010

Bear Speaks is officially on the book shelves today.

Click on the Amazon, Barnes and Noble or Red Wheel Weiser link on my home page to order a copy.

Happy Friday!