Witnessing the Obvious

My brother is an excellent cook, and my parents live in Sedona, Arizona. It takes my small family several hours to arrive at their house after the flight from LA and the drive from Phoenix. This year it was obvious my mother had no interest in cooking or cleaning for the Christmas holiday; but more than anything she wanted us together - so the set up for our gift to her was also obvious. In the time it took my small family to get to my mother and father's house for the holiday, my brother, using a stash of funds sent to him in advance, shopped, chopped and created a feast for all of us in my mother's kitchen; it was a meal to savor and remember - a creative combination of sauces, crab, carefully selected meat and desserts, lovingly baked and prepared all from scratch. We're all still reeling from the ecstasy of it.

Today is my birthday, and I'm getting the message that it's time to be aware and receptive of the obvious truth all around me - a truth that can be expressed in a myriad of ways, whether it be the work of art my brother created in the kitchen, or the music he creates on his guitar all year; the sweetness of my cousin turning to my father on the phone for support as her own father, my uncle sits with uncertainty in the hospital this week; the comfort I've witnessed my husband give his mother as she transitions from the passing of her husband last month; the fantastical paintings of Pat Olchefski as she creates visual magic in her studio; or the insightful poems Gary Lemons gifts all of us from his home in Port Townsend; or a group of junior high children singing show tunes from "Beauty and the Beast," (my daughter's helping with the singing on that one;) with each moment, each act of creation and connection there is a beat, a constant declaration of the Truth of what is happening right here, now. It's our job to do that - witness the obvious and have the courage to announce it.

All of us here on the planet, swirling in a synergy of what is, of being, our being, standing as witnesses to it - that's beyond cool. So even if it sometimes feels like there's a dilemma as to what we should do, there really isn't a choice any more. It's obvious. Bathed in love - cradled in love - every object, every movement a testament to that love. The reality isn't survival of the fittest at all, but a celebration of constant being, a message encoded in our DNA, beating right under our noses.

2011/ 2012 and Letting Go

A dear friend and administrator at the school where I work is preparing a holiday breakfast for all of us: waffles, an egg dish that he soaked over night, then stuck in the oven at five in the morning, ham and numerous chocolate covered items. At the same time we are all collecting soap, toothpaste, and brushes, basic living items for several families of students there in the direst of situations; they are two steps away from losing their homes. And then there's this constant background chatter about 2012 - that we are on the brink of a world wide shift in consciousness and economic (the Euro is on the brink of collapse?)disaster. So it looks like we've got lots going on - holiday celebrations, survival issues, and a huge shift in how we perceive one another.

The thing to do is let go, abolish fear and let what is true, the truth of what's happening take care of itself. So into the holidays we go, with a large beat of "thank you" for the feasts, a sense of awareness of what's going on with our brothers and sisters everywhere (because it's time to expand our definition of family,) and an acquiescence that we, as in the small, willful individual, are not the ones in control.

I'm headed out of town for a couple weeks. Blessings to all. See you in 2011.

Relaxing into Acceptance

It was an amazing day in Los Angeles today; the air was crisp and fresh after a morning fog. We walked around the J.Paul Getty Museum and had the privilege of hearing an extremely talented group of young people sing traditional music - their rendition of "Ave Maria" brought tears not just to my eyes, but left the entire audience awe struck. I was lucky enough to have my daughter be one of the singers.

My husband and I weren't planning on attending the concert; it was a last minute event and we only went after our daughter pulled the "every other parent will be there" card, and it occurred to us that even though she's been in several concerts already this month, even though she is nearly sixteen, and even though she never mentioned until five minutes before the concert that she wanted us present, it mattered to her that we attend. We weren't really doing anything else - cleaning out the kitchen cabinets was my original plan, so we acquiesced and drove out to watch out of what we thought was parental duty. And then we were swept away by the joy of listening to the purity of the young voices in an amazing setting.

So my mantra for the rest of the weekend is: "relax and hear the truth." It seems like lots of us are just moving through our time out of habit - choosing to stay inside and clean kitchen cabinets when its time to stop, drive out to a place of beauty right there ready for us, and listen for the truth. It will come in on the voices of our kids singing when we are ready, relaxed and open to hearing it. The sound of truth beats the broken record of false, inaccurate voices we've been stuck listening to up until now. The repetition of these delusions in our minds is harmful.

Our fate, the fate of all of us, depends on our ability to hear, (and see and embody,) what's happening accurately. It's important for us to be aware of the helpful, healthful consequences on our bodies when we relax into what is beautiful, and pure and true. Then we ourselves can become a mouthpiece because that same truth is contained within us.

When all those inaccurate "sub-voices" prattling around inside our heads shut up, then we can recognize the voice of truth that is right there in front of us, and learn to undo our error. When we heal our own perception, then the healing of everyone else around us will follow. "Ave Maria" never sounded better than it did today at the Getty; it's time to relax, be still, and listen to the lovely, precious song of truth all around us, always.

Sacred Spaces

Today I lean into what is happening around me with a new openness to what it is. Now is the time to make everything around me a sacred space.

I notice I get short tempered, grouchy and just plain bitchy when I miss out on sleep, a proper diet and time to myself to meditate or exercise or just walk through the botanical garden in the park by my house and appreciate what is happening there. Realizing the sacred spaces around me is useful in making me a kinder, more tolerant human being.

A balanced physical body makes me less prone to the habitual fear response I fall into when I don't know in advance what is going to happen. We can never know what will happen in advance, and that is why there is a temptation to contract, become a control freak, and approach the world in a suspicious, worried, fearful way.

Fear is a shrinking response to stimuli perceived as outside and separate from the self. It is the direct result of an inaccurate perception of what is occurring and at heart it is the inaccurate sense that it is possible to be abandoned.

I wonder what or who we think will forsake us: our parents, friends, God. There is an inaccurate sense that we can be abandoned by the truth of being, and that fear is by definition mistaken. Our being is ordained by all that already is and all that will be as evidenced by its very existence.

We turn into fear out of habit and ignorance. I'm not a scientist, but I bet there's a habitual misfiring of neurons in our brain that causes the fear response. The more it happens, the more we respond inappropriately and defensively to our surroundings. And that is when we misrepresent who we are, the reality of our own being. Delusion begets delusion out of habit. The awareness - the acknowledgement of divinity of being, all being, will alleviate prior imbalances and misperceptions.

So, it's important for me to eat nutritious foods, rest as required, and visit places of natural beauty like the garden by my house. When I am clear and rested I will be prepared, open to acknowledge the Truth.

http://www.manhattanbeachbotanicalgarden.org/ http://www.manhattanbeachbotanicalgarden.org/

Bodhi Tree in Hollywood this Wednesday

I'll be reading from Bear Speaks and discussing concepts from the book on Wednesday night at the Bodhi Tree Bookstore in Hollywood at 7:30 pm.

The link for the event is:

http://www.bodhitree.com/



I hope to see you there!

Confirmation - Living a New Awareness

(Photographs of the deer and Feathered Pipe Ranch by Anne Jablonski.)

Today I move with a new confidence; I let myself exist as a living confirmation of truth.

Someone very dear to me became distressed when he saw two people - a woman and a man - shifting through the trash for food. He had stopped at a gas station after deer hunting in an area that gets cold and snowy, so his vision of two other human beings in a state of wanting distressed him even more. His upset was compounded by the fact that despite a long day of effort, neither he nor his hunting companion had seen any deer. He was hungry, tired and cold himself.

The desperate couple before him, reduced to digging in a trash bin for scraps rattled him. Were they not direct evidence that there is an inherent lack of resources, that all of us should struggle and push or we might literally starve to death?

I became intrigued myself by the situation and sought to make the necessary mental shift to view the situation of hunger and lack - sometimes as it affects us, sometimes as we see it affecting others - differently. Around the same time, I read a post by Erich Schiffmann from his website addressing the same question. Erich wrote:

"Here we are in the middle of this predicament… and now what? And in the midst of figuring this out simultaneously having to feed, clothe and shelter ourselves—or suffer the consequences. And most of the time, it seems, we get so caught up in the survival side of things that we largely forget or ignore the initial question. But my feeling is the clearer we get on the “What’s going on?” question, the easier it will be to attend to the other needs." (http://movingintostillness.yuku.com/topic/7636)

It occurs to me that the struggle for survival plays out our worst fears about what will happen if we allow ourselves to make the mental shift; we are terrified that if we turn to the truth, to what is happening, it will be ugly. Surely we will starve, because from a "survival of the fittest" stand point we are orphaned, on our own out there.

It is time to stop letting those in a state of struggle around us reinforce our worst fears, and instead allow them to point out for all of us the strength of our own compassion. The compassion is the evidence that we are never alone, that there is never a time when we are abandoned. There are plenty of resources to attend to all our needs here, an evident abundance even on the days when the deer are scarce. As we turn to a new compassion for others, the couple digging in the trash, ourselves, everyone, we will find the confidence in the abundance that is always there.

When we are confident that there is enough, we will be more willing to share with others. Giving to others will never decrease the amount we have for ourselves. The irony is the more we contract, and grab what we perceive as scarce for us and ours, the more bleak matters will appear. Hording creates the perception of scarcity without fail.

Yes, digging through the trash is what fear looks like - it is an act of desperation. As much as possible the thing to do is to soothe the world and those around us when they become desperate, to let go of the resources we ourselves enjoy and distribute those resources to the best of our ability to those in need.

Then we will escape the more common psychological trash bin where we often find ourselves trapped. When we think there is not enough we feel deprived and we grab, desperate for what we are really worried about not getting - enough love. In that state of perceiving ourselves as orphaned - afraid and alone - we are forced to rely on a false independence. It's helpful to make the shift, to realize everyone is not out to get me, hurt me, take away love. When we shift we feel the supreme waves of an ocean of love through and around us; it's as if we're taking a bath in a love that is plentiful and never ending.

Abundance is real. The trick is to remain confident in that truth. When we slip we feel a tightening, pain and despair - a feeling tone that is clearly incorrect. Confidence is our knowing beyond belief, that the love and compassion are there within us, that ultimately they will melt our skepticism and denial.

Today is a day of confirmation.

Happy Thanksgiving and Thanks to the Everyone in Sedona

Thank you to Joe and Kris Neri, and everyone in Sedona who attended the event at The Well Red Coyote for making Friday night such a memorable evening.

Sedona is a mystical spot on the planet. It was lovely to get to visit, and see everyone there in person.

Happy, restful Thanksgiving!!!

Laura

Self Contained

It helps to think in terms of metaphor when arriving at a place of new perception. Moving as we are through a logical, linear culture it's tempting at times to take ourselves and the world around us literally, and seriously. The literal is helpful for grounding, but in order to reach a point of new perception we will have to let go, fly, jump off what seems solid and secure to us into the mysterious unknown.

The only way to do that, make that wonderful metaphorical leap into truth is to let go of self judgment, the internal critique of ourselves and others and expect nothing. It's useful to identify hurtful internal voices, rising out of patterns of conditioning, that derogatory self talk that serves no valid purpose in our self understanding and keeps us spinning, hamster-like on a wheel that goes no where. We know we are falling prey to harmful, hurtful mind chatter when we feel tightening - for me it's my jaw that freezes, another friend of mine complains of "brain freeze" when he gets nervous, others have mentioned a habitual tightening in the lower back.

Seeing those around us as who they really are, the self contained truth of all that is beneath their chosen masks, is also helpful. It's easy to become frightened by the intensity of the love we find buried there when we strip away those fake, scary judgments. Different people become gifts to us in providing the comfort and support required to wipe away the stage makeup; a dear friend of mine, a poet in his own right, always models the unconditional love, acceptance and understanding that jogs me out of my own conditioned habits. He doesn't even live in the same town as I; he conveys his healing strength and acceptance via e-mails - electronic and telepathic.

It's the not knowing what we will find beneath all that mental grime that makes us hold back. Part of the realization is that we are all self contained - not in the sense of being independent, but in the sense of being all inclusive, of containing within ourselves all the parts necessary for completion.

Today I remember that I am self contained, that in the silence of being, of sitting still, I contain the entirety of the universe. I rest, cradled in the knowledge of myself as I truly am. I let go of fears and past traumas and allow myself the being, the permission of being, the vulnerability that comes from that being - now, always.

There is a sense of wonder, an authentic self that comes when we make that leap. We can embody the synergy of all things from that place of expanded awareness. I guess that's good news.

Positive Reviews on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Write one for Bear Speaks if you can!!

I'll have pictures from the book signing in Sedona up here shortly.

Happy, happy Thanksgiving week.

The Wide Angle View

Yesterday the flight into Phoenix from Los Angeles was one of those smooth, clear flights that make me love flying. The sun was shining just the right amount onto everything I could see out the window as we took off, and Los Angeles from the air looked sublimely lovely. The cars moved along in a steady stream on the freeway, as we went further and further up in the air the houses became smaller and smaller dots, and then we were over the ocean where I got a clear view of Catalina Island, and the other channel islands with just the right amount mist around them to give them a mysterious, fogged in aura.

Usually my perspective of Los Angeles is limited. If I stand on the corner of Aviation and Rosecrans I can see the Trader Joe's where I go for food, the Barnes and Noble, (a significant spot in my life these days,) and the Office Depot where I get printer paper and the gel pens I've become attached to using. Just a few blocks south of that is the school where I teach. To the north about a half mile is the airport. That's the extent of my world when I look at it from my ground level position on the corner of Aviation and Rosecrans.

Up in the sky yesterday my perspective was much wider. The corner where I live my life on the ground wasn't even visible then - a tiny speck at most. I got this rush looking down at all of it, like "Wow," the city is so much larger than I usually notice.

I imagined what it would be like to shoot up into space even higher over it all in a rocket ship and look down at the planet from even a wider view. We've all seen pictures of Earth from space and even from the pictures there's that same sublime sense of "Wow."

Fortunately we don't have to get in an airplane or a space ship to get the wide angle perspective. We have our own internal launching pad within us all the time. It's a matter of sitting still in meditation, and yes, it works better when we are in the woods, or a park, someplace naturally beautiful, but it is always with us, this ability to hook into what's real, to shift our perspective from ground level over to the truth of what's happening.

It occurred to me that when I looked at things from the wide angle view I might become depressed; after all if where we usually are, for me that corner of Manhattan Beach, is so tiny, we must be insignificant. Actually, the opposite is true. The more I meditate, the more I hook into the large, eternal nature of everything, the more I realize how vast I can be when I allow myself this larger sense of awareness. The hook up is comforting, the hook up is healing, the hook up makes me feel limitless.

Now is an opportune time to get a larger perspective, to hook right in to what is true and real and accurate about where we are and who we are. It's incumbent upon all of us to do that as often as we can.

The Well Red Coyote

I'm speaking at the Well Red Coyote in Sedona, Arizona tomorrow, Friday, November 19 at 6:30 pm.

The talk is entitled "The Genesis of Bear Speaks: Unpacking the Seven Precepts."

Looking forward to being with many of you there.

Becoming Proactive

I have never been more appropriately challenged than by the exigencies put to me by my yoga practice. I'm not talking about yoga as in the physical practice of asana, but yoga as in recognizing my connection with other people. It's funny that the process of meditation - quieting my mind and sitting still - prompts me to action. The difference between yogic action and my usual flailing around is the level of clarity.

When we hook into a clear, meditative state, it's like contacting a dear friend we can turn to for help and guidance. There's a spirit of gentleness, kindness when someone teaches us as a friend, a symbiotic nature to the relationship - the teacher helps the student, but the student also helps the teacher. Because promptings and conversations from a yogic perspective are synergistic, they contain the potential for growth. Such conversation with our internal "friend," the teacher who is always there, have a healing quality - there's this opening from them for something miraculous to occur.

When we hook into this miraculous wisdom within ourselves we become advocates for life. Our movements from that standpoint become creative, life affirming, and involve an element of blissful surrender. It's as if we're reaching deep within ourselves and asking our "friend" for help in a quizzical and innocent fashion; there's a sweetness to taking guidance that way. I like it when my actions come from that sacred dialogue, because when they come from me alone, they run the risk of being obsessive, one sided, and uninspired.

Guided action is about finding love, being love, because that is all we are, all that is anyways. Yoga reminds me I am all that.

Instantaneous Kindness

Sometimes I feel such tension with my family, in-laws, my own folks, even my husband and daughter; the holidays are almost here again, and I know they should be fun and enjoyable, and yet they often end up full of hostility instead. So today seems like a opportune time to reaffirm the power of kindness, to remember that it leads to softening, and that softening leads to miracles.

The key is to shift my own mental perception of what is happening from one of hostility into the reality of joy. It would be a miracle if we could all just enjoy one another without any discomfort and tension. I need a "prescription," like something a doctor might prescribe for kindness, and because I'm an impatient person by nature I need to have it work instantaneously.

I know this is a tall order; it's taken years, (and numerous lifetimes if I buy into the idea of reincarnation,) to build this false tension and discomfort that blocks our joy now. Fortunately, the structure of of that hostility is false and only requires an instant revelation to be dismantled.

With the kids I teach at school I use acrostics to help them remember concepts - things like "Every Good Boy Does Fine," to remember scales on the piano, for instance. The acrostic here for shifting to kindness is "RIL." "R" is for Realize, reminding me to stop and notice the tightening occurring in my own mind and body, "I," stands for Identify, to know that the tightening is based on fear, my own inner, false worries about being judged and abandoned, and "L" reminds me to shift my perspective to one of Love instead.

I vow let today be The Last Judgment then - the instantaneous moment when I shift my interactions with the world from a point of tension to a point of love.

Book Signing At Mystic Journeys in Venice

I'll be there from 7 - 9 pm Friday night. The amazing and talented Stephen Doherty is singing and playing guitar there as well.

Check out the Schedule of Appearances for more information and the link to Mystic Journeys' website.

Remaining receptive today...

Kindness

(Hoisting prayer flags at Feathered Pipe Ranch in Montana)

Today I remember to be kind.

It doesn't cost anything, it isn't that difficult to do, and everyone else is counting on it.

OM

Gratitude - A Lovely Cup of Darjeeling Tea

I don't usually drink caffeinated teas; they can lead someone with my constitution to bounce all over the place. A person should only have so much energy at five in the morning. As it is, I tend to wake up before every else with our three cats, sip tea in the dark while padding over our creaky hardwood floors, usually knocking over something: a glass in the kitchen; books stacked in our less than organized living room; potted plants; and then apologize to my dear husband and daughter who are trying to sleep at that hour. They rarely hear me; they are consistently sound sleepers in the morning.

Someone bought me a gift a while back of several imported teas - they are all contain caffeine, but have exotic names like lemon pekoe, clove flavored chai, Ceylon of various types, and the oddest, English Tea No. 1. I've been avoiding them for fear they would wire me into a crazier being than I already am. This morning I broke down and had several cups of Darjeeling. I know for hard core tea drinkers Darjeeling is hardly exotic, but I've never tasted it before. It was wonderful. Yes, I bounced around for hours, especially after several cups of the stuff, but in the process I realized I'd been denying myself the enjoyment of a great gift because of restraints I'd determined earlier about what is good for me, and what I should allow myself to experience. I'm excited to try the other teas in my gift package now.

I'm suddenly aware of other "gifts" in my life, off the usual list of experiences I think I "should" enjoy, that are, ultimately delightful. It's easy to have pre-conditioned notions about how things should be - a marriage based on dictates I've taken from the inner most reaches of my ego; or a relationship with my daughter and friends I think must follow certain guidelines to be legitimate. Reality always reminds me how silly those preconceived guidelines can be.

My daughter continues to violate the "rules" about how a teen aged girl should act; like most teenagers she has an unnerving knack for seeing right through adult facades. Uncharacteristically, my daughter begs for time together, savoring aspects of our relationship that don't meet the traditional framework for a mother and teenager. Like Darjeeling tea, I've never been any one's mother before; it's best to just admit neither of us are following traditional, probably false guidelines for how that relationship should be, and just bounce through it joyously as it is.

I'm learning to stop holding my friendships up to these preconceived frameworks also. It's fun to just let go, spin with all the amazing stuff happening with the men and women I'm interacting with everyday, and to realize I don't understand everything about those connections. When I surf through my friendships, open and and with a sense of curiosity about where they will lead, when I don't preplan what is happening, I'm discovering just how fun they can be. There's no reason to feel restricted about how and when I should connect with anyone in my life.

It's a challenge for me to let go of my need to organize, limit and control in my writing, my teaching, everything that happens in a given day. But when I do, I'm finding that I enjoy the moment more, I'm finding myself swept away with gratitude, appreciating new sensations, like a delicious cup of Darjeeling tea I'm tasting for the first time.

Seeing - Shifting Mental Perceptions

There are times when I am swept away by restlessness, this odd feeling of being trapped in the ordinary day to day existence of life as I currently perceive it. I was listening to Stephen Hawking talk about "wormholes" a few nights ago - short cuts in outer space that allow matter to cut through the restraints of ordinary time. It would be fun to jump into a wormhole when I feel edgy like this, to beam myself all around space and time at will. From my new vantage point I would look back at where I am now and see things afresh.

It occurs to me that I am constantly formulating the people around me in my mind. They exist as entities outside myself of course - everyone exists outside all of us, but to an extent, we also invent those we encounter in our minds to suit our own perception of reality. Our current perceptions of others can be pretty inaccurate. Especially when we find ourselves in an intense relationship, head over heels in love, or in a power struggle with someone of the ilk of a mother-in-law or boss, it's tough to stay neutral.

Even labeling people as they pertain to us - my husband, my daughter, my mother, my teacher - skews our perception of them. I wonder if there is way of going past those inaccurate, quick perceptions of everyone and everything without jumping through a wormhole ala Stephen Hawking. I wonder how often we really look at other people, and see them as they are, without judgment, without the mental gloss. The correct perception is one where the inherent perfection of everything is evident. The correct perception is one where we shut up enough to live.

The other day I was convinced, if only for a few moments, that I was trapped in the ladies room at the doctor's office. The room had two doors - one leading out to the hallway that opened easily, and another one, on the other side that was locked, probably a storage closet for cleaning supplies. I was in a such a rush coming out of the stall, that I turned the wrong way, and became convinced that the locked door was the way out, that I was somehow trapped in there. There I was pounding at the supply closet door, annoyed, frustrated, when really the whole time I had just gotten twisted around somehow. The exit was there all along, completely unimpeded, but I was unaware of its existence. I even got out my cell phone at one point to call for help. It was all silly, but also revealing about how we can misperceive our world.

We've become confused about other people and what's happening. It's important for us to readjust that confusion to the point of truth. It's all mental, how we see our families, our friends, our lovers, along with what we expect of them. One function of a wormhole - and I'm convinced that like the open exit door in that women's room, wormholes do exist - is to help us realize that we don't need to feel constrained by time or space, that we have been viewing everything around us in our daily world through an inaccurate lens.

Once we realize our own misperception, the door easily opens to the fantastical, potent reality that is. That is when we can exit the dark world of our own mental judgments into someplace lovely.

(The photograph was taken by the talented Pat Olchefski-Winston at our book signing at the Ojai Yoga Crib last weekend. It's hard to see the universe as anything but lovely there.)

Kindness - Going Beyond Halloween Masks

We can be our own harshest critics, reflecting that self criticism back onto ourselves through the eyes of others and our environment. We judge continuously and then wonder why we get sick or feel tired.

It feels like we're engaging in this huge, pointless defensive; the multi-layered masks we wear only help to accentuate our self condemnation. We look at the world like a monster from Beowulf, vicious, unforgiving, ready to rip everyone apart who might stand in our way. We walk around fully armed and then wonder why we are afraid.

I have a dear friend who recently installed an alarm system in his house. It bothered me that this man who is usually so open and undefended had decided to arm himself like that; he hadn't been robbed, he already has a dog that barks loudly when anyone enters his yard. I asked him about it, and his response was, "the alarm is there in case anyone breaks in."

Part of the issue here, with our masks and our alarms, is the sinking fear that we'll be left alone and abandoned. We wear the masks, set the alarm system, judge our brothers and sisters for the whole purpose of waiting for the confirmation of our own paranoid fantasies. And then someone comes along, it could be the husband we were resenting, it could be our sullen teenager, it could be the lovely woman in yoga class who for no apparent reason brings homemade chocolate chunk cookies to share with everyone, it could be a neighbor, or someone we've never met before who helps us jump start our car. When the loving actions of others become so over the top, so attentive we can't deny them anymore, our masks unravel, our alarm systems disable. Then we see reality for what it is.

It's time to stop thinking we don't deserve the direct, all encompassing, true love of our friends, family and ourselves. It's time to stop discounting the love. It takes bravery to see our relationships in a loving light, more bravery than it does to lash out against those around us with our fake, Halloween weapons.

Today my mantra is loving kindness. Today I remind myself that I am not alone or abandoned. I release those illusions with every breath.

Fulfillment - Yoga to the Edge of Joy in Ojai

I woke with a start at two in the morning last night; my body was tingling and I was struck instantaneously, thunderbolt style, with the sweetest sensation of joy. I'd been dreaming of all the faces, the yogis floating around all over the place here at Ojai: Erich Schiffmann, who'd just given this risky, but expansive talk on making a mental reality shift; Ravi Ravindra, an icon for expansiveness himself, who signed his new book at Bhavantu the day after Pat Olchefski-Winston and I were there signing copies of Bear Speaks; and all the local yogis -Kira, Eric, Alana, Amy, Catherine - who modeled thoughtfulness with perfect grace. At one point they arrived early at the venue where we practiced and left sprigs of sage next to our yoga mats. Then there was the physical presence of the family of yogis I'm used to interacting with on-line, all swishing around the town on beams of light, smiling, hugging, revving up the the vibe of all of it.

The odd thing for me is, that up until that point, when I was struck by all of it in the middle of the night, I actually considered packing my car and heading home. I don't know why, but somehow the sheer ecstasy of what's happening here was intimidating to my ego; on some level I'd convinced myself, subconsciously that I couldn't possibly deserve such joy. On a conscious level I told myself I needed to get back to my family in LA. How indulgent to take four full days and practice like this! But every time I phoned or e-mailed home I got that everyone was okay back there; my husband was off watching sports and tasting wine with his brother, my daughter was singing in a show and spending the night with her best friend, even the folks at the school where I teach reported that everything was fine in the classroom with the plans I'd left for the substitute. I had no obvious excuse to leave.

So I stayed, and woke to that blast of joy energy in the middle of the night. Only then did I realize my ego, based as it is in fear, can really get in the way, that it can make me want what's inappropriate, even harmful to me, because that lightening bolt - to steal a phrase from my teacher - feels pretty intimidating to the ego right before it strikes. So the ego lays trap after trap to deflect the joy it fears. The joy is so strong when it hits we're afraid of short circuiting from it.

Fortunately once we start flirting with joy the way we are at Ojai, we don't short circuit. Instead our passion expands to encompass all of what's happening, and if we can stay balanced there, it's fun.

So I caught myself vibrating with the sheer joy of it all at two a.m. Just out of curiosity I flipped on the television - I wondered what would be on at that hour. Here's what I saw: beautiful women advertising a zumba dance class, an evangelist speaking eloquently about the law of abundance; and then this eclectic KCET black and white cartoon where a poor soul with a number, concentration camp style, tattooed on his forehead heads up this ladder following a sign pointing to "Heaven." When he gets near the top, he sprouts wings and takes off, the numbers on his head fading as he flies. I switched channels one more time to view this series of home videos showing cute toddlers exploring their world, grabbing vegetables, and splashing about in a wading pool.

The joy is expansive indeed. I have a feeling it won't be too hard to remember that today - the last day of the yoga crib, the day we all finally drive home.

Surrender and Truth - Coming to Ojai

I like doing things, arriving at events,(even my teaching job, although that is hardly an event,) at the last minute. I'm not exactly late for stuff, more on the edge of late if that makes sense; if I were to examine my tendency on a psychological level I would have to say my potential tardiness gives me a sense of freedom and control. I like the idea of being the one to decide when I will arrive at prearranged activities. It's my way of bucking predetermination.

My original plan was to arrive at Ojai at the last possible moment - breeze in on Friday morning, sign books at Bhavantu that afternoon, and hear Erich talk that night. I certainly wasn't going to arrive for any early day of a yoga immersion class. I definitely wasn't going to follow Kira's advice - Kira is the brilliant woman who hosts the crib each year - and arrive a day early to register and get situated. Such would be against my established habit; my unconscious desire to take myself to that edge of feeling rushed and harried.

Then it started raining in Los Angeles. I don't like driving in the rain, especially not long distances. For me the trip from the South Bay to Ojai is a long distance. And a still, soft voice within kept telling me to take an extra day off teaching, to organize myself, to get into Ojai a day early, to allow myself the pleasure of the immersion class before things go into full swing on Friday.

There was a two hour window when the rain stopped this morning. I resisted the word "surrender" whispering through my being, told myself I'd heard that word plenty of times before and I didn't need to surrender any further. Why must we keep surrendering to the truth of what's happening anyways? Shouldn't once or once in a while be enough?

That's when it occurred to me how much of what I've been doing, at school and at home, has involved me telling everyone else what I want them to do, orchestrating my environment and my own movements in it like a puppet master, constantly pulling and pushing things regardless of how they really are.

What was required was a shift in my own frame of mind, a surrender to the reality that I am not the one in control of when and how things happen. It sounds silly but I had to admit to myself I can't control if and when it rains, or the traffic patterns out of Los Angeles during rush hour. If I wanted a smooth ride to Ojai, I would have to leave early.

It's helpful to shift our mental paradigms about what we are doing and how we are doing it in order to hook into the truth. That shift involves surrender - a relinquishing of the ego self into the way things are, a recognition of the reality that we are not the ones running the show here. After all, the truth is all there ever was and ever will be anyway. We can hear that voice of truth deep within ourselves, the voice that is beyond our silly mental gyrations and thinking, when we surrender.

I'm here at Ojai early; well rested, having skated up here easily in between rain storms. I'm exited to take the immersion class with Erich tomorrow.

I'm working on surrender.

Book Signing At Bhavantu

I'll be signing books at Bhavantu, 306 East Matilija Street in Ojai, California on Friday, October 22 from 1 - 2 pm.


Pat Olchesfski-Winston, the artist who created the image of the bear for the cover will be there with me.

Hope to see some of you there.

Receptivity

Today I remind myself to remain receptive - to allow the strength of what is true to move through me.

So much of the time I've caught myself jerking around through space like a control freak; if someone in my family is sick or upset my automatic response is to reign it in, squelch it with my force of will. Making appointments is a huge challenge and distraction for me; over and over again I try to master time and space with my personal version of what should be happening and how it should look. The net result of all that silly micro-managing is invariably frustration, not just my own, but extended out to every poor soul who gets stuck dealing with me when I am in "contoller" mode. (Trust me, Brit Bergesen who cuts my hair, and Dr. Ruth Demonteverde, my daughter's pediatrician, can attest to the fact that I am apt to change appointments four and five times over to get things "just right." Nothing is ever made just right through force of will.

The way to appropriately glide through space is by being receptive. Receptive can be scary because it involves remaining open and vulnerable. When we aren't receptive it is a sign that we are frightened somehow, easily drawn away from Truth by distractions. We all have our pet distractions; for me it's making appointments and micro managing my imagined future. Recognizing those distractions for what they are - seductive pulls away from what's real - helps clear the necessary mental space to get back into alignment.

Once we are clear and receptive we are open to the power of the real creative force; then it is simple and obvious what to do in each given now moment without distracting our self with fake scenarios of the future. Being receptive connects us to the part of self that is immutable - that can heal the world in the blink of an eye.

Today I remember the power of receptivity.

Pictures from Book Launch Party at Pages in Manhattan Beach

Here are some photographs from the Book Launch Party at Pages in Manhattan Beach, California.

Gay Hendricks with Five Wishes and Laura Carpini with Bear Speaks

Gay Hendricks with Five Wishes and Laura Carpini with Bear Speaks

Thank You - Remembering to Remember

Thank you to everyone for making the book launch party last night so much fun.

Today I will remember to remember your presence being you being with me. The wings of gratitude are truly beating in my heart in the form of all of you around me today and always.


BIG, BIG LOVE,

Thanks Again!

Making Space for Acceptance - Getting Clear

The familiar confusion hit last week. I'm not sure how or why I get so fogged over -being tired, hungry, swept away by the noise that prevails here in my darling Los Angeles probably has something to do with it.

Anyhow, I recognized the old churning happening in myself; when I get fogged over like that, I go completely over board. I churn about simple things like where to park my car, what to "do" about dinner, then I shift into heavier issues: where do I want to live, who should I live with, where should I be working? I can convince myself in about ten minutes to run away - that everything I'm doing is wrong. Mind you, I went into this spin on the very day Bear Speaks came out to the public. I chastised myself for being even more of a schmuck on that account - shouldn't the woman who wrote Bear Speaks be clear about these issues?

When you're in a fog you can't make decisions. You become frustrated, inert. Then something hits, something arrives always, mysteriously, consistent, to rattle you back into what's real. For me I can almost pin point the exact time: I was exhausted with worry for daughter - again in emergency - this time for tests, but it still took half the night. (Thankfully she is fine now.) I was coughing so much myself I think the nurses there considered checking me in. I felt blocked about what I was writing; I called for a substitute for my teaching job the next day. As we drove home from the hospital well past midnight I repeatedly asked for clarity. I'd been demanding clarity all along, but when I did I was in a panic. Clarity never arrives when you panic.

Sometime on the drive home I moved from a state of panic into acceptance - a point where I admitted I'm not in charge anyway, and that all my churning about everything was just denying myself space. I felt instantly oriented, smooth and clear.

The fog lifted - that's the only way I can describe what happened. I was suddenly energized. I'd watched a movie earlier in week: "The Fog of War." I like the title of that film - fog does result in war. For me it was an internal war, but war just the same.

Now that I feel clear, all those earlier worries are revealed as just plain silly. I even forget what I was confused about in the first place. I don't know why we get overwhelmed at times with our environment. I suspect it has something to do with wanting personal control over all of it. It's a matter of turning back to acceptance, reminding ourselves in those confused moments that clarity is always there. We just have to breathe, remain innocent, and let it happen.

It's imposssible to "break up" with what's real.

Today I remember to make space for that.

October 1, 2010

Bear Speaks is officially on the book shelves today.

Click on the Amazon, Barnes and Noble or Red Wheel Weiser link on my home page to order a copy.

Happy Friday!

Guides Part 2 - Trust

Two days ago I got a doozy of a flu; it started innocently enough - I felt tired. Then came the familiar sore throat, stuffy everything, aches, pains - welcome to the plague. As you may guess I am a horrible patient; I just want the whole "being sick" experience to be over fast. I dumped every medication I could get a hold of into my body: Nyquil in all its varieties, oscillococcinum, yin chao, herbal cough syrup, claritin, and the cherry on top, some antibiotics I conned a doctor into prescribing last month for a sore tooth I was convinced could turn into a sinus infection.

I've spent the past two days wandering around our small house in a snot nosed, coughing stupor. We'll need to go out today to get more tissues; I've gone through them all. And then there is the issue of the migraine headache medicine I've been carrying around in my purse for two years now - I do feel a throb on the right side of my head. I wonder - would that interact oddly with the smuggled antibiotics?

My daughter got disgusted with me - she was sick last week without all this fuss - she went to school with it. I have no intention of going to school with this mess in my head. Isn't that how all these germs spread in the first place?

Around midnight the whole mental nightmare lifted. I was thinking about guides - my inner guide in particular, and I felt a comforting presence in my room. I wonder if the presence isn't around all of us all the time - presence of being - I'll call it, and we make so much mental racket we just don't notice it.

I was lying there in my incensed Woody Allen like state of worry. I'd shifted from the head cold to other stuff: worries about myself and what I am doing, worries about my daughter, worries about pain in general.

I remembered this nun I taught with during the Rodney King riots in the nineties - how we were worried then about rioters coming into the school, hurting the kids somehow - and how she showed me this life sized sculpture of a hand - God's hand was the idea. There was a person in the palm of that hand, and she told me to relax, to remember that no matter what, God holds us in the palm of his hand. That was a revelatory moment for me because even if you don't believe in God, the image was still that of the universe, larger being, cradling us. No matter what happens or doesn't happen. No matter how shitty we feel.

This morning I'm remembering that solid hand below me, as I sip my tea, shuffle around the house, let myself heal. That hand that is the source of all things is of infinite comfort. It reminds us to not fall prey to temporal sorrows. It reminds us to not fall victim to anything false or toxic. We sit in the very hand of God.

Guides

Currently, many of us on the planet live as though we were split - we would deny our inner guides - the voice internalized in all of us as evidence of our holistic nature. I think every one hears the voice of at least one guide as they move through the physical world.

We all hear the voice, yet very rarely do we have the courage to stop and listen to its instructions. The voice becomes more apparent in spaces of relaxation and silence; ironically we drown it out in our world with loud noises - rushing around, moving from task to task in an upside down experience of our reality as though the movement, the rushing around were the point.

Communion with our inner voice is communion with truth at the purest level. There is a degree of falseness to our existence when we attempt to block or deny it. Our inner voice confirms again and again that we are loved and lovely. The voice continuously reminds us of our ecumenical connection with all things, and that reminder alone is cause for great joy.

Whoosh - Beyond Conflict

It's suspiciously easy to remember the oneness - the ecumenical existence of everyone and everything - when reading it, or writing it down on paper. The trick is to keep that feeling tone when we are in actual situations of conflict.

I'm discovering that conflict fans its annoying smoke screen more frequently at the end of the day - afternoon staff meetings when I'm tired, or later at home when we're all scrambling for dinner with growling stomachs.

It helps to remember that every physical action and reaction - eating, sleeping, holding the pen over the page - remains part of the truth of oneness whether I'm feeling it or not. In other words what appears to be physical is actually the expression of that oneness, and the key is to stay in a synergistic harmony with that, despite the growling tummy or drooping eyelids. One solution is an after noon nap - not possible during the work week for most of us. But at least we can tell ourselves in the meeting, or during that rushed dinner preparation: "I'm tired, my colleagues are probably tired too, my daughter's hungry," and then take it a bit easier when we know we are more apt to snap back into the old mind set of irritability and conflict.

The park by my house is extremely helpful; in the evenings after dinner I walk over there, sit still in front of the duck pond, breath, chill, and remember the "whoosh" of what's real. That's when true awareness hits again, and I can watch my racing thoughts from the day as an observer, secure in what I am knowing, enveloped in that reality internally and externally. Then it's possible to relax and reconnect with the miracle of this life in its entirety again. Thank goodness for the park!!

On Angels - Being Bold

I used to think if someone was bold it meant they wore bright colors, that "bold" referred to a fearlessness that was limited to fashion. Now I'm realizing that being bold involves being relaxed and gentle, that when you are bold you are brave, not in the sense of being brass, but in the sense of self exposure, allowing yourself to be out there as yourself, open and revealed.

I've been thinking about hearts and angels; visualizing an angel's folded wings as forming the shape of a heart at my heart - if I were an artist, like Pat Olchefski-Winston, my brilliant friend who painted the bear for the cover of Bear Speaks, I would be able to draw it - this fantastical shape of angel wings centered in the human heart, my heart, opening it gently.

I don't know much about angels - but the concept of them is bold and comforting at the same time. Angels represent an unlimited expression of being; they defy time and space. It occurs to me that angels are all over the place, taking the form of people who are here to help. In other words we act as angels for each other whether or not we realize it.

Angels as expressions of love take many forms, some realized, some random, yet always lovely and supportive of being - the whole being the all - us. Us supporting us - beings of light with the power to transform and heal.

Today I am bold as I recognize that power and express it to its fullest intent - glad to be "out there," relieved to get past the smoke screens that distract us from the unlimited expression of our potential.

Happy Saturday!!!

Guidance, Reconciliation and Mold

Living by the beach as we do, we have this ongoing problem with mold in our walls. We can't afford an expensive mold removal service; that would involve removing entire walls of our house and insulating. My husband, daughter and I finally solved the problem by spraying with this high powered solution from Home Depot, painting an anti-mold primer over the surface, and then repainting our walls over that. The man who works in the paint department has assured me this solution is only temporary - that the mold is still there underneath, potentially ready to spring to the surface when the inevitable dampness of winter seeps into our walls.

It's interesting to think about hidden mold living in the dark in our house so easily activated. I suspect mind fogginess, blurring and inaccurate perceptions of other people around me can just as easily be triggered. When I am tired, physically hungry or just plain bored, that dark, inaccurate stuff that lies dormant in there can take over. Fortunately, my mind doesn't require a complete lobotomy to get rid of its inner gook; it's simply a matter of a good maintenance program - turning to meditation and breathing on a daily basis to clear things out in there. The mind mold doesn't stand a chance against the intelligence of reality.

When I remember to be guided by the truth - and let me be clear here, I'm talking about the truth that is love, that invariably dissolves away all our deepest, darkest fears and aggravations - then the love that is reality allows me to reconcile with the "outside" world.

The voice of the mold is a lie, vicious, vindictive, incessantly negative. It's easy to fall into a state of ignorant possession if we listen to its drama of pain and constant turmoil. But in the end that false inner voice is nothing but mind clutter, easily swept away to make room for the small, clear, lovely voice that is the truth, the voice that has always been there, the voice of reconciliation.

When we allow ourselves to reconcile our physical world, including all the dust, and grime and potential distractions that come with it, with the open spaces where everything is clear and possible, we abolish the extremism that leads to inner confusion and false judgments.

The we become energized by the happy conundrum that God, the infinite, is nothing and everything at the same time. The mold may be there, but we are able to notice it, sweep it away and move into the place where all things are possible. Today is the day when I vow "I can do this," and move past all the false brain rot into a happy outcome.

Today I move toward a place of reconciliation.

Ignition, Authenticity, and Seeing

There's this moment right before I light the candles in my living room to meditate in the mornings. The place is dark, feels like the middle of the night, and I feel stiff and cranky, convinced it would be more beneficial to get another few moments of sleep, convinced the meditation/prayer process is an elaborate form of bull shit.

And then I strike the match, put the flame to the candles, and something shifts. It happens very quickly, instantaneously actually. My cranky, tightness fades away, and I find my sitting in what is real.

I've tested out the legitimacy of this ignition. I watch my behavior, my interactions with other people and my surroundings on the days I give in to my initial resistance and "sleep in," skip the candles and the meditation. Invariably on those days I feel lousy, I catch myself in more augments with people, sometimes I find myself literally tripping through the day, prone to bruises and accidents. I'm actually more tired on the days I skip the sit.

All of us have this choice, not simply in the morning when we pray or meditate, but all through the day. We can choose - did I mention it was instantaneous? It doesn't take a minute, a second, .35 seconds, it happens the moment we remember to do it - we can always, at all times, choose to be authentic, and fashion ourselves into who we really are instead of being pejorative. The root of the word pejorative is perjury. When we allow ourselves to trip around in a tight daze, unaware or ourselves and the truth of who we are, we commit perjury.

Today is a good time to be honest. It doesn't make sense to act like a clenching, grabbing being when that is false. It makes sense to tune in to the truth. We do that when we notice we are tight, and then ask for help, from the inside out. For me it helps to visualize people in my mind's eye who love and know my authentic self. One of those personages for me is poet Gary Lemons. He gave a poetry reading at Feathered Pipe Ranch this summer and his presence was so authentic, so real, that it inspires me whenever I visualize him sitting there. Another person who helps jog me into the truth is my grandmother. As a child when we'd go to her house - and she didn't even speak English, the acknowledging happened without a word - she'd look at me and I'd see the truth of myself in her eyes.

The formula is: notice the tightening, ask for truth, and invoke the presence of someone who sees that truth in us. We don't have to sit down and light literal candles to do that.

Today I am open to the ignition, ready to see and be seen.

Life Lines - Shifting from Goals to Alignment

There comes a point when we realize that goals are mental tricks we play on our own heads; we set them up, race toward this future moment when we'll arrive, be happy, and stop struggling. The problem with that mentality is we never reach the finish line. By definition the "finish line" keeps shifting, and we find ourselves in a constant struggle. Eventually we reach the point where we don't even know where the finish line is anymore, and that is when we are close to realizing the inherent illusion to the whole goal mentality.

The point isn't reaching somewhere, the point is shifting our perspective of what is happening, so that we are aligned with the truth. We will be infinitely supported when we are in alignment. We'll have this point of transcendence where time and space stop altogether and we find ourselves wanting for nothing, able to just be, satisfied, grateful, right in the moment. For me those moments come when I am teaching, practicing yoga asanas, or writing. Time stands still in those instances and I find myself literally swept away into what is happening right then.

It's a matter of knowing we are safe in the moment as it is, sitting right in it without fear. A trick to determining whether we are moving into alignment is whether our body feels tight and anxious. The feeling tone of peace, expansion, and a sense of connection helps to trigger movement in the right direction; peace feels good, right, and tightness feels lousy.

In those times when we feel lost, out of alignment, it helps to look for a life line. There will always be something - we just need to make the mental shift to see it. Maybe our life line will come in terms of words from a song on the radio, maybe if we are trapped, a spider spinning an intricate web in a corner of the room will catch our attention, maybe a friend will show up, answer our mental or verbal call for help at just the right moment. If nothing else we can always turn to the breath - there's always that.

I'm realizing it's my job to also act as a life line for other people. They are counting on me to be there for them, to not be too busy, wrapped up in my fake dramas to the point where I'm unaware of them.

When we move in a state of peace, connection and expansion we won't get hurt, and we won't hurt others. I guess that's another sign of being in correct alignment - it will never hurt. The only hurt that is possible is mental, our own mental gyrations when we act from fear, when we miss the life lines that are always there, when we stop being a life line ourselves for others.

It's time to wake up and realize the perfection that is here, now, always, thankful for the life lines, thankful for the moment, thankful for life.

Invocation of Presence

I like the word invocation. It implies that even when we feel isolated or rattled, floored by an earthquake - be it physical or psychological - there is never a time when we cannot invoke the presence of reality, and find a sense of inner security.

I have a friend I contact on line with the words: "are you there?" Even if he is not there at that particular moment, I know he will eventually e-mail back with the comforting response: "I am now."

With my husband it is simply a matter of pausing in the movement of our daily life together, and saying "Hi Layton." With his "Hello Laura" back at me, we acknowledge each other's presence, reconfirming that we are in this life together.

In yoga the word "namaste" is a hello like that. It means the light in me salutes the light in you. The "namaste" doesn't always have to be visual, the namaste is an invocation of presence, the realizing in an instant that the perceived other is part of self, made of the same life stuff as you are.

The biblical character of Ishmael reminds me how namaste works. He finds himself alone, cast away from his father, and he wanders through the desert in a stupor. But by his very name - Ishmael - he is assured that when he calls to God, there will be an answer.

This calling, this invocation of presence, is a mental act. We can call for presence at any time. No matter how alone or abandoned we may feel we will always get a response, for the simple reason that we are alive.

The important theme here is that we are not alone. Once we accept all of what we see, feel, and experience for who and what it is, we can realize that fundamental truth.

Whenever we sink into despair, not knowing what to do, it is helpful to remain open and innocent to what is happening, and then the essential truth of all that is will flow over and through us. In that sense we are specific and expansive at the same time.

The challenge then is to integrate both aspects of ourselves, and to remember to invoke presence. Someone will always be there - real, alive, part of us.

Relax or "Shut Up and Hold On"

Yesterday as I was driving down Artesia Boulevard a truck in front of me was going too slowly for my taste. It had a bumper sticker that read: "Shut Up and Hold On." About the time the driver turned out of way it occurred to me those words are an effective mantra: shut up and hold on.

We can feel so limited, so conflicted about where we are supposed to be, and how we are supposed to get there. Our intentions get muddled, and before we know it we are wandering through the day in a state of mental road rage; we're apt to become impatient and confused at the same time.

The more we try to figure it all out - sort things, schedule them, pigeon hole the world according to our stubborn, individual will - the more likely we are to fall victim to worry and hopelessness. The truth is we aren't in control; once we sort one scenario in our head, a new one always invades, keeping us permanently trapped in a state of spinning inertia.

The solution is to relax, stop the mental gymnastics, and realize there is nothing that we need within the infinitesimal point of time where we are now. We can be ready - but relaxed also, knowing that we cannot be abandoned and that everything sits exactly as it should. We are perfectly aligned for what is happening right now.

Today I remember to relax, acknowledge any feelings of frustration, uncertainty, or impatience - acknowledge them and then let them go. We aren't in control anyways.

Relax, relax, relax - we don't know exactly where the ride will take us, and that's part of the mystery, of what is happening right now, here, where we are. "Shut up and hold on." That works for me today.

Sky Grounding - Noticing

My first official day back as a school teacher was yesterday. I was conflicted about heading back to that "day job" - wondering about time and its demands. The issue arises as to how to maintain cosmic awareness of the truth, at the same time as one navigates through the concrete world of working, paying taxes, child care, and laundry - the everyday melee of modern life.

It occurs to me how important it is to remain grounded - but in the Infinite. Stuff goes of kilter, breaks when we wander around without a foundation. As I was setting up my classroom, I toppled my new, classroom phone and shattered the monitor to it. At the same time, back on the home front, my husband lost his grip on a spice from the rack above the counter and broke a cat shaped spoon holder we use to lay ladles on when we make spaghetti sauce. I was fond of that particular spoon holder; it cost six dollars. The school phone was worth six hundred.

My worst teaching day occurred three years ago. I was rehearsing kids for a production of "Into the Woods" when one of my young performers, a trained ballerina, slipped and cracked her arm in three places. It looked like a piece of inert rubber after her fall. Yet, amazingly the surgeons in triage were able to repair it.

Today I make a point to notice what is happening. I notice others for who they are, without judgment. I notice when I am tightening in my body, and my own mental habits. I make a point of noticing how fast or slowly I move through space, the tonal quality of my voice as I speak. I notice when fear and habit get the better of me, and I become ungrounded.

Lots of things seem to "break" as we move through the spaces around us - not only physical objects or our bodies. Families and our relationships with others may seem equally fragile. But ultimately, all our perceived injuries are soluble. There is no misalignment that cannot be corrected, because there we are never alone as we move through linear space and time. There is no where we can move where the Infinite is not, so nothing, not even our perceived separation can ever be truly broken.

We are always here, we are always safe, we will always heal. Sky grounding - seems like a good idea for today.

Fulfillment, Conflict and In-Laws

An ongoing conflict in my house has always been where we are spending the Thanksgiving Holiday. Traditionally my mother-in-law flies down from Seattle and my sister-in-law, a skilled cook, (cooking for lots of other people is something I myself find terrifying - I might poison them all, but that is another entry,) my sister-in-law cooks a family meal. My parents who live in Arizona, like to spend the holiday in Las Vegas, watching shows, gambling, and eating at a buffet prepared by someone else.

Did I mention this conflict is silly? It's silly. Every year I angst over where my husband, daughter and I should go. It becomes a family battle field. All sorts of moral issues come into play: issues about family loyalty; the Joy or lack of joy of the holidays; and past dramas from my childhood. All this "stuff" rears its heretofore hidden head - stuff like when I was growing up my mother always went to her sister-in-law's house against her will, and on and on blah, blah, blah.

The holiday becomes a fight. Until the day I decided to stop making the conflict a battle front. I wish I could tell you it involved a complicated and extreme shift in every one's perceptions of the issue. Fortunately that isn't the case. The end of the Thanksgiving struggle happened in about 3 seconds this year, (the fight usually starts around September,) and it happened inside me. I woke up and decided not to make it a battle field any more. The conflict went away - just like that - with that small shift in my own perception. Any internal churning just melted, for real, quickly, easily. It occurs to me my family's Thanksgiving conflict has always been internal; it takes place inside me even though it involves lots of other people.

All conflicts are silly that way. The trick is to stop inventing battle fields and then refusing to budge. It's a big relief to let conflict go. I know, (I'm Italian, afterall,) there's a certain appeal to getting loud and passionate about stuff - the common word for it is "drama." I teach drama; drama can be fun and it turns on conflict. But it's just pretend. There's not much point in spinning in it after the curtain closes.

Walking away from conflict may feel like an impossibility when you are embroiled in the depths of it - but conflict is always self-generated. The external violence, be it physical or psychological, is always a manifestation of that internal toil. Getting over it, out of the self generated drama, means releasing the internal struggle. Over any issue. Any time.

Then, from any given moment we can return to the larger goal, the only goal, aligning ourselves with what is real, surrendering our self-made "battle fields" to that.

Today I remind myself to surrender to my inner awareness of Truth. I turn from drama to fulfillment.

Connections

Sometimes in the flurry of daily activities we can become confused about what's real. We let ourselves rush from one project to the next - car maintenance, shopping, childcare, preparation after preparation until we are exhausted and out of touch with the point of it all. When we're trapped in that loop of endless running around to get no where, we become accusatory and suspicious of others. What am I fixing the kids for breakfast, when is there even time for breakfast, I'm so tired, become internal mantras that work like a smoke screen against our own clarity, blocking us from the truth.

The truth is we are loved from every angle. We just don't realize it, don't appreciate it until we settle down and allow ourselves to connect with the love that's there, real, always available to us. When open ourselves to the connections around us, we feel the great depth of this love.

The Internet can be an amazing tool for connections to our world, to everyone who is there. The trick is to remain focused on what is real, and to be honest about what is happening. Then we feel the connections, the love from every angle, whether or not we turn on the computer.

I don't know why we all shift to rushing around mode when we are inundated by love as we are. We have a fear of honesty because we think it will be brutal. The only brutal thing about honesty is the denial of its existence. The key is to remain receptive, to open our minds to the connections between us and everyone else whether or not we turn on a computer.

Receptive and Connected... I remind myself to stay that way today.

Gratitude, Being, Love

Let me face this day with gratitude.
Let me face this day with being.
Let me face this day with love.
Now...
Now...
Now...

And this poem by e.e. cummings is soooo lovely and relevant:

I Carry Your Heart With Me


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Edward Estlin Cummings

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-carry-your-heart-with-me-2/

Unlimited Layers of Healing - OM

Today is the day to release illusions about what is happening, to let go of conflict, ambition, motivation and to turn ourselves over to complete healing.

Healing comes on unlimited layers of our being, it occurs beyond the illusion of time and space. When we allow healing we remember that we are adequate, that our resources our adequate. Healing happens when we recognize that we are sufficient, full, complete and capable as we are.

"And I beheld the perfect man," I think that comes from the Bible somewhere. I think Jesus said that. I wouldn't be surprised if he said that around where he raised Lazarus from the dead.

It can be confusing, the whole healing concept. It can seem pretend, wishful thinking, especially from the vantage point of this solid world - structures of form that follow the laws of physics. OM is ultimately an ecumenical word, it implies that we extend beyond our current perceptions into all of the all; Om is the connection of form to Eternity.

We can't be independent from one another, not in terms of separation. Our interconnectedness does not imply neediness. In fact, neediness, or clinging to our own delusions of other people negates love. True love exists without expectation or demand from some "other." I'm talking about purity. Purity of being, om, allows healing.

Today I see my experiences in the physical world not as attachments but as confirmations. Today I realize the endless, the eternal in all of us. I watch my every movement in this space today, every sound, every sigh I may make. I remember the multiple layers of being, and I move slowly.

Today I catch my own affectiveness (I know that's not a word,) - I say "affectiveness" because I/we affect the all from an unlimited array of possibilities. Today I remember the unlimited layers, and I dedicate all of it to what is real.

Fear

Today I joined the forces of teachers preparing to get classrooms ready for the fall. School budgets are tighter than ever: copies are counted on our Xerox machines for fear of running low on paper; programs that matter to kids, programs that kept me from turning off to school like drama and music are in jeopardy of being cut; and health insurance costs are higher than ever. In my district there was no choice for our administration but to pass those higher health insurance premiums on to the teachers.

I am not choosing to write on the topic of school budgets or health insurance to get political. I bring up these topics because they emphasize the insidious role that fear can play in our existence. The fear on the faces of many of my friends and colleagues today reminded me how its poison spreads, how it can affect how we all interact, and how it can lead to self fulfilling prophesies about our capabilities.

I notice myself interacting differently with those closest to me when I am afraid. There are those to whom I unload all my fears. One person in particular is my teacher; he is expert at deflecting my worries. After interacting with him I always get this sense that everything will be okay. "That's okay" is a mantra I take from him often, and often it works. The problem is, when I interact with my teacher and others too often that way, I feel clingy, needy, as though I am dependent on someone outside myself to deflect fear by telling me it's all okay.

There are others I love and respect who tend to reflect my fears right back at me. To them I am prone to venting, and watching them vent right back at me. Our interactions become one big worry fest. Sometimes this type of wallowing works like a temporary salve; more often though it spins out of control - into anger, despair, and a paralysis even scarier than the original seed of fear itself.

My heart is a valuable asset. I don't want it torn asunder for nothing. And fear is ultimately nothing. The fear itself is not okay. What is required is neither someone else to deflect it, nor someone to bounce it back at me like a mirror. What is required is to look the fear in the eye, and recognize it as nothing but a mental gyration. What is required is to be proactive against fear with a subtle shift in perception that allows me to take the steps - always easier than they originally appear - to stop spinning off of fear and to breathe right into the reality that will allow me to transcend it. When I do that I can help everyone, all those who are beloved around me, let go of their illusions of being alone and powerless. Then we can all flow appropriately moment by moment, calm deliberate and clear.

Today I let my heart be held by the calm that is real. Today I dissolve fear.

Balance

A friend of mine has devised a product I just adore: Bliss Mix, www.transitionnutrition.com. The first time I tasted it I had been on a longish airplane ride to Montana, the van taking us to Feathered Pipe Ranch had not arrived, and as usual I was starving. Erich Schiffmann and his brother Karl produced this bag of the stuff, it has little nubs of raw cacao, Gojiberries, Mulberries. I loved it, but because we were all sharing it, I ate in moderation.

Later, I discovered it on the shelves of Whole Foods and now I'm a Bliss Mix fanatic. Note the word fanatic - therein lies the problem. Bliss Mix is good for you - full of organic, raw protein and fiber. Yesterday, this time quite alone, I gobbled down an entire bag of the stuff alone. I was trying to cut down on calories, I'd been fine dining, (again to excess,) with my husband on a romantic weekend in Sonoma. My idea of romance includes large amounts of coffee and wine with dinner. Do you see the pattern emerging here?

I have a history of migraine headaches; coffee can be helpful - it shrinks the swollen blood vessels, (caused sometimes by wine, chocolate, and ironically, too much coffee.) Yesterday, after the binge on the Bliss Mix, the effects of the coffee wearing off, and my instantaneous desire to "fast" I got a doozy of a migraine. My migraines aren't normal headaches - they consist of a debilitating pounding on the right side of my head, shakes and body spasms that look like a stroke, followed by vomiting like there is no tomorrow. Yesterday it all hit and I was sorry to have eaten seven servings of Bliss Mix - felt good going down. It always feels good going down.

Today its helpful to remember the importance of balance. Even stuff that feels great to an extent can hurt us, throw us off, if we over indulge. Balance is a tricky concept for me. I tend to go over board when I love something. If it's a book, I read it straight though without stopping for air and water. If it's a lover I tend to allow myself to be consumed right then. Flirting, waiting, patience: those concepts don't sit well for me. I'm realizing it may be helpful to learn to sit in the in between more moderately.

Balance leads to harmony. Today I pour patience into all I am. Today is a good time to be less concerned with the doing as the being - to float in a harmonious state with all around me instead of grating through in conflict, after some goal.

There is only shining being today - and believe me after last night I am clear. Today I allow myself balance between the here and there, the now and always.

Bloom - Om Mani Padme Hum

Today I remind myself to commit to my own being, to allow myself to bloom.

Bloom sounds corny as a mantra for today, maybe not so sophisticated as
om mani padme hum - a sure fire eliminator of suffering, but just the word "bloom" works for me. It reminds me I'm worthy of being myself, that everybody and everything is worthy of being, and that when we let go of our attachment to the glamour of suffering we can realize the truth of compassion for all of what's happening.

It helps to stick with what we know; when we look around, really take the time and clear the mind and see everything as it is, we realize we're surrounded by love, pure being. It's helpful to develop a healthy respect for the being of everyone else, to see those around us, especially those that make us feel conflicted as our teachers. We can make a commitment to notice when we feel strained, tight around someone else, and to realize that that is the time to really notice them and to listen to what they may be saying.

A nice afternoon nap helps with the blooming too.

Today is good time to relax, relax, relax, to get in touch with all our teachers and to let ourselves bloom. When we bloom we catch God smiling at us.

Today I look for the smiles of creation everywhere as I move around in it.

Trust

Sometimes the hardest people to trust are those closest to us. We tend to be judgmental when it comes to those nearest and dearest to us; we think we know them, and we are sure from prior experience that they will act the way we habitually see them acting. Again and again we make assumptions about who they are.

Once we learn to see them from a fresh vantage point, without all the prior baggage we've piled on to their existence as pertains to us, we can "forgive" them for what ever may have happened before. We can approach them from the innocent perspective from someone seeing them for the first time, clean, and then we can be with them simply, as they truly are. It's not a matter of "doing our best" around them, seeing them. Once trust occurs it's not a matter of "doing" with those around us at all.

Once trust occurs we can enter a state of pure being. That being is the heart of true innocence - and that comes from forgiveness, a forgiveness that is not even really necessary, a forgiveness that is the last illusion.

In the state of pure trust nothing can hurt us except our own thoughts, and those thoughts can be changed with awareness, realization of how they work to twist our perceptions of other people.

In the state of pure being in truth we realize we are love and we can just be that.

We must trust our loved ones, we must trust our teachers, we must trust those who have offended us, we must see what is real for what is is everywhere, and we must trust ourselves.

And in that instant of pure knowing, that there is no harm, only a physical experience of joy to be had, we can walk through fire, face the guillotine if need be, tread over land bombs without a scratch. When we align with being we can see ourselves in truth as immutable.

Today I trust, trust, trust in the truth of love that is real.

Flexibility

It's easy to confuse control with love, to think that if love is real we will be in complete control when we are in it, that those we love should do/be exactly as our ego demands. When we confuse love with control we react incorrectly, we cause other people, our Beloved Ones, to act incorrectly also. I know this from unfortunate experience. And since love and control are not the same, there is guaranteed friction when we try to control our nearest and dearest.

Being controlled, or the feeling that others are trying to manipulate us is no fun either. That sort of emotional controlling is akin to hording, and it leads to disastrous results. Love, like the air around us is abundant, unlimited and there is no need to horde it, to cling with demands to love when we feel it. It's helpful to breathe deeply, there's no need to horde the air around us either.

We live in a consumerist society. We often think that by grabbing attention, time, breath, and holding it all tight to us we'll preserve it, prevent it from running away. Being miserly like that is tight and uncomfortable. It causes literal wrinkles, aging and bitterness.

The real key to living fully, passionately, to experiencing the love around us, is in our ability to be flexible, to revel in the love that is without grabbing for it so desperately. The conundrum is we'll be able to feel it, perceive it more accurately, when we don't clench.

Today I remind myself to be flexible.

Remember...

...at the risk of being corny...

Compassion and Fun

It seems like a good day to lighten up and remember to have fun.

In Los Angeles it's finally sunny. It's been an unusually overcast summer here; my surfer friends are complaining - too cold to get in the water, not enough surf, too much pollution out there. Today it is paradise here - sorry to everyone battling the heat wave on the east coast - a balmy 75 degrees, deliciously sunny, an excellent day to hang out with friends in front of Whole Foods, forget our troubles and munch on Bliss mix as we debate the usefulness of added minerals in drinking water.

What I mean is sometimes the most compassionate move for the world and one's self is to lighten up and enjoy what's happening. Maybe all the angsting (is that a word?) about what to do with life - all of it: sex, love, jealousy, kids - all that confusion in trying too hard, clouds our judgment. What really draws me back is a sense of gratitude: for my present company, all those dear to me, for all the stuff growing around me including my daughter. The speed at which it's all happening negates linear time on a day like to day, and reminds me of the truth of immortality.

It takes a certain degree of bravery to let go of the constant wanting, wanting, wanting and turn to gratitude, and to realize we are perfectly ordained to be where we are now, doing exactly what we are doing, and to approach that reality of what is and who we are with compassion.

And then we can have fun with it. Today I remind myself to have fun.

Fearlessness Part 3 - Transfiguration

An understanding of our own fear reactions and how they operate helps to cultivate a state of loving kindness.

When we find ourselves pulled back into illusions created by fear, it's helpful to recognize our own toxic feelings for what they are, and allow ourselves to shift away from them. Then we find ourselves transfigured into the new energy state of truth.

The first step in the process is our communion, our communication with what is real, what is actually happening. For me the link occurs when I put a pen to paper and write in my journal. For some the link comes when they are in communion with nature. The hook up can occur when we meditate or pray. Better than Time Warner, the link, the communion to our inner guide, our intuition reminds us that we are never alone, we will not be abandoned, and opens us up to the truth of what is happening.

Step two is when we allow our communion with what is real to move us beyond what we perceive in our ordinary fear state as boundaries, past any perceived suffering and pain, into a state of smooth eternity - a BIG SMOOTH where time and space as we ordinarily conceive of them are suspended. After this subtle shift in perception, in this state of smooth understanding, we realize more and more that everything is happening at once, and then the transformation, that isn't really a transformation because it is already happening, can take precedence. We can shift, easily, quicker than time, beyond fear to the mind space of what is real.

Finally, when we get to that spot we realize innumerable love, love that is a revelation and we are at peace with what is true, fearless, in a space of joy.

1. Commune; 2. The Smooth Shift; 3. Innumerable love - revealed.

We'll know we're executing the smooth shift when all fighting ceases

Today I allow the subtle, smooth shift in perspective to occur. Today I open to the loving kindness that is.

The Fearless Observer - Taming the Ego Part 2

Noticing what's really happening, the endless tirade of fake distractions that keep popping up in the mind is key to fearlessness.

It's important to be the observer and not simply walk through life in a daze. When the ego chatter becomes too loud it's impossible to see or even visualize what's real. That's when we can become baffled about what to do here and now, because we've allowed ourselves to become confused.

It's as if we've created a lie, and then come to fear it. But what isn't real in the first place is harmless. Only thoughts produced by repetitious ego chatter can harm us. It is necessary to release those thoughts to become fearless. Our fearlessness is necessary for us to be kind.

My biggest fear is a lack of funding, ending up on skid row, and bringing my family, my husband and my dear, sweet daughter there with me. Much of my own ego torture involves thoughts about how impractical I am, how useless any pursuit is that doesn't rake in immediate funds. What can I say? I went to school in the 80s. I realize starvation's not even the actual fear; my real fear is a fear of the fear itself. I want to follow the truth of what's happening, I realize my ego thoughts are poison, and yet I still find myself stumped. The only solution is to remember over and over again to sit still, and let my mind become clear.

It's easy to be fearless when every thing's clear, obvious.

It helps to remember I'm afraid of fear then, that it's all psychological. Just noticing that I'm so afraid of letting everyone else down, especially the truth, really does make the fear dissipate. That and a strong "Begone!" in its direction.

Today I say "Begone!" to the fear that would twist my love for those precious to me into something defensive. Today I'll stop spinning and start noticing what is really happening.

The mantra for today is RELAX and be the observer - a fearless observer. And that feels pretty good.

Humility - Breathing Past Ego

Today I remember to be humble. That's when it becomes possible to let go, either learn to fly or let myself be cradled and carried by angels.

I know it's corny to refer to angels. It takes even more guts to admit that we might need some help in aligning ourselves to what's happening here and now. Letting go can be super scary, and the fear response, to the prompt to release, let go into the holy now, is to contract, hang on for dear life. After all angels aren't really real, are they? Flying is impossible, so it's often easier to hang onto our vanity and stay up tight.

It takes a certain amount of humility to be open and brave about what is happening around us. The ego is very afraid of what it cannot control, even and especially of our own success. If we succeed we may discover we don't need it. The ego craves accolades, yes, but not in the positive aspect of our fulfillment. When we become who we really are the ego hears its death toll. After all, ego is the anathema to what is real, and so it puts up smoke screens - and it has an endless supply of those. Once you figure it out, "oh that's my ego kicking in there, trying to hold me to a set schedule," it will simply roll out new distractions.

The closer we get to completion, to a full understanding of what is happening and who we are, the more adamant the ego becomes with its devices against us. The key to our survival is recognition then; we can laugh at the ego's devices, recognize them over and over for what they are, and then allow ourselves to be humbled before the reality that will exalt us, before the angels who will catch us and teach us to fly.

We will stop being trapped then, stop running around in circles once we recognize the circles of ego for what they are. We have a choice. We can be humble and we can be brave.

Today I remind myself that what is not real can never hurt me. Today I remember humility, to breathe and open up to what's real, to accept that recognition.