Fear

Today I joined the forces of teachers preparing to get classrooms ready for the fall. School budgets are tighter than ever: copies are counted on our Xerox machines for fear of running low on paper; programs that matter to kids, programs that kept me from turning off to school like drama and music are in jeopardy of being cut; and health insurance costs are higher than ever. In my district there was no choice for our administration but to pass those higher health insurance premiums on to the teachers.

I am not choosing to write on the topic of school budgets or health insurance to get political. I bring up these topics because they emphasize the insidious role that fear can play in our existence. The fear on the faces of many of my friends and colleagues today reminded me how its poison spreads, how it can affect how we all interact, and how it can lead to self fulfilling prophesies about our capabilities.

I notice myself interacting differently with those closest to me when I am afraid. There are those to whom I unload all my fears. One person in particular is my teacher; he is expert at deflecting my worries. After interacting with him I always get this sense that everything will be okay. "That's okay" is a mantra I take from him often, and often it works. The problem is, when I interact with my teacher and others too often that way, I feel clingy, needy, as though I am dependent on someone outside myself to deflect fear by telling me it's all okay.

There are others I love and respect who tend to reflect my fears right back at me. To them I am prone to venting, and watching them vent right back at me. Our interactions become one big worry fest. Sometimes this type of wallowing works like a temporary salve; more often though it spins out of control - into anger, despair, and a paralysis even scarier than the original seed of fear itself.

My heart is a valuable asset. I don't want it torn asunder for nothing. And fear is ultimately nothing. The fear itself is not okay. What is required is neither someone else to deflect it, nor someone to bounce it back at me like a mirror. What is required is to look the fear in the eye, and recognize it as nothing but a mental gyration. What is required is to be proactive against fear with a subtle shift in perception that allows me to take the steps - always easier than they originally appear - to stop spinning off of fear and to breathe right into the reality that will allow me to transcend it. When I do that I can help everyone, all those who are beloved around me, let go of their illusions of being alone and powerless. Then we can all flow appropriately moment by moment, calm deliberate and clear.

Today I let my heart be held by the calm that is real. Today I dissolve fear.