The familiar confusion hit last week. I'm not sure how or why I get so fogged over -being tired, hungry, swept away by the noise that prevails here in my darling Los Angeles probably has something to do with it.
Anyhow, I recognized the old churning happening in myself; when I get fogged over like that, I go completely over board. I churn about simple things like where to park my car, what to "do" about dinner, then I shift into heavier issues: where do I want to live, who should I live with, where should I be working? I can convince myself in about ten minutes to run away - that everything I'm doing is wrong. Mind you, I went into this spin on the very day Bear Speaks came out to the public. I chastised myself for being even more of a schmuck on that account - shouldn't the woman who wrote Bear Speaks be clear about these issues?
When you're in a fog you can't make decisions. You become frustrated, inert. Then something hits, something arrives always, mysteriously, consistent, to rattle you back into what's real. For me I can almost pin point the exact time: I was exhausted with worry for daughter - again in emergency - this time for tests, but it still took half the night. (Thankfully she is fine now.) I was coughing so much myself I think the nurses there considered checking me in. I felt blocked about what I was writing; I called for a substitute for my teaching job the next day. As we drove home from the hospital well past midnight I repeatedly asked for clarity. I'd been demanding clarity all along, but when I did I was in a panic. Clarity never arrives when you panic.
Sometime on the drive home I moved from a state of panic into acceptance - a point where I admitted I'm not in charge anyway, and that all my churning about everything was just denying myself space. I felt instantly oriented, smooth and clear.
The fog lifted - that's the only way I can describe what happened. I was suddenly energized. I'd watched a movie earlier in week: "The Fog of War." I like the title of that film - fog does result in war. For me it was an internal war, but war just the same.
Now that I feel clear, all those earlier worries are revealed as just plain silly. I even forget what I was confused about in the first place. I don't know why we get overwhelmed at times with our environment. I suspect it has something to do with wanting personal control over all of it. It's a matter of turning back to acceptance, reminding ourselves in those confused moments that clarity is always there. We just have to breathe, remain innocent, and let it happen.
It's imposssible to "break up" with what's real.
Today I remember to make space for that.
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