Gratitude - A Lovely Cup of Darjeeling Tea

I don't usually drink caffeinated teas; they can lead someone with my constitution to bounce all over the place. A person should only have so much energy at five in the morning. As it is, I tend to wake up before every else with our three cats, sip tea in the dark while padding over our creaky hardwood floors, usually knocking over something: a glass in the kitchen; books stacked in our less than organized living room; potted plants; and then apologize to my dear husband and daughter who are trying to sleep at that hour. They rarely hear me; they are consistently sound sleepers in the morning.

Someone bought me a gift a while back of several imported teas - they are all contain caffeine, but have exotic names like lemon pekoe, clove flavored chai, Ceylon of various types, and the oddest, English Tea No. 1. I've been avoiding them for fear they would wire me into a crazier being than I already am. This morning I broke down and had several cups of Darjeeling. I know for hard core tea drinkers Darjeeling is hardly exotic, but I've never tasted it before. It was wonderful. Yes, I bounced around for hours, especially after several cups of the stuff, but in the process I realized I'd been denying myself the enjoyment of a great gift because of restraints I'd determined earlier about what is good for me, and what I should allow myself to experience. I'm excited to try the other teas in my gift package now.

I'm suddenly aware of other "gifts" in my life, off the usual list of experiences I think I "should" enjoy, that are, ultimately delightful. It's easy to have pre-conditioned notions about how things should be - a marriage based on dictates I've taken from the inner most reaches of my ego; or a relationship with my daughter and friends I think must follow certain guidelines to be legitimate. Reality always reminds me how silly those preconceived guidelines can be.

My daughter continues to violate the "rules" about how a teen aged girl should act; like most teenagers she has an unnerving knack for seeing right through adult facades. Uncharacteristically, my daughter begs for time together, savoring aspects of our relationship that don't meet the traditional framework for a mother and teenager. Like Darjeeling tea, I've never been any one's mother before; it's best to just admit neither of us are following traditional, probably false guidelines for how that relationship should be, and just bounce through it joyously as it is.

I'm learning to stop holding my friendships up to these preconceived frameworks also. It's fun to just let go, spin with all the amazing stuff happening with the men and women I'm interacting with everyday, and to realize I don't understand everything about those connections. When I surf through my friendships, open and and with a sense of curiosity about where they will lead, when I don't preplan what is happening, I'm discovering just how fun they can be. There's no reason to feel restricted about how and when I should connect with anyone in my life.

It's a challenge for me to let go of my need to organize, limit and control in my writing, my teaching, everything that happens in a given day. But when I do, I'm finding that I enjoy the moment more, I'm finding myself swept away with gratitude, appreciating new sensations, like a delicious cup of Darjeeling tea I'm tasting for the first time.